August 2008 Ask The Expert online chat took place at 3 pm on Monday, August 25th 2008.
Lisa Turner, SWH moderator: Pat Love, EdD is a therapist, author, and very popular SWH keynote speaker. And it's time to welcome her to this month's Ask The Expert Q&A session. Welcome Dr. Love. Dr. Love: Thanks for the invitation and it's great to be here. Lisa Turner: Since we received many questions from our web readers, let's dive right into the Q&A.
Question 1: We received many responses with similar questions: How do you and your partner reconnect, when you have children, jobs, relatives all wanting your time, space and commitment? Dr. Love: The key is to stay connected, thus avoiding the need to reconnect, and there are two simple ways to do this. 1. Pay attention to the four natural transition points in every single day and make loving contact with your partner at these times. Specifically: (1) the first thing in the morning, whomever wakes up first makes loving contact with the other, e.g. a kiss, a hug, a stroke of the hair; (2) when one of you leaves the home for the day make sure you have meaningful contact, e.g. a 6 second hug instead of the perfunctory 3 second hug, a touch of the face combined with looking him/her in the eyes. This farewell sets the tone for the time you are apart and keeps the connection warm while you each go about your day. (3) When you come together at home in the evening: go directly to your partner, kids and pets can come along "Let’s go find Mommy!" This loving contact sets the tone for the evening. Then, finally, (4) before you fall off to sleep, make sure you show love to your partner. Again, it can be a kiss, an "I love you," a touch, even a playful gesture —this sets the tone for the hours you are asleep.2. The second way to stay connected is to carve out sacred time for the relationship. The two of you are the ‘executive unit" of the family. The greatest gift you can give your children is the safety and comfort of loving relationship. In a word: partnering is a primary part of parenting. Any time you spend together is an investment not only in your relationship but in the mental health and well-being of your family. Practice this line: "This is private time for Daddy/my husband and me." Or, "This is our date night." Or, "Daddy/my husband and I have plans." Any of these is not only a legitimate excuse but a healthy beacon in an age when we are crying for meaning in marriage. Question 2: Dr. Love, Why does my girlfriend attract only gay men? As a professional woman in her mid-30s, what is she doing/not doing to attract heterosexual men? Dr. Love: Sidewalk psychologists might say that your girlfriend is setting herself up for disappointment by hanging out with unavailable men —I disagree. Seems to me the obvious reason why your girlfriend attracts gay men is that she has good taste. I know I am speaking in stereotypes, but in general, gay men treat women with love, respect and sensitivity. Obviously your girlfriend is quite mature and selective about her friends and acquaintances, all she needs to do is to put the word out that she is interested in attracting a mature heterosexual man and it will happen—and her gay friends will likely give her the best guidance!Question 3: What do you do when you feel your view of your husband changes with his interaction and attitude towards your children is less than you were hoping for? My husband always is impatient, curt, often yelling or even meanly teasing/making fun of our daughters, especially my 5 year old. I fear for their relationship in the future. I certainly have my times of less-than-perfect mother so I feel guilty about reprimanding him. When I raise my voice or do something they consider "mean," they ask "Why are you acting like Daddy?" It breaks my heart for them and is slowly but surely destroying my view of him. We’ve talked about it and he has seen its damage to our relationship but he doesn’t ever seem to think that he acts out of line with them and doesn’t change his attitude, tone of voice or impatience toward them. Dr. Love: You and your husband can work together to become better parents and the children will help you. Neither of you needs to be mean or raise your voice (unless there is a freight train speeding in your direction!). Verbal abuse is abuse. I suggest you and your husband come up with a description of your core values, i.e. what kind of parent you each want to be. Think about how you want your daughters to remember each of you. Do you want them to remember you were stressed, mean, irritable? Or loving, kind, supportive? You might ask your daughters what kind of parents they want; you might be surprised how astute they are! Once you have established your core values, begin looking for these positive traits in your husband (and ideally he’ll begin looking for the positive traits in you). Men love to succeed, the more you see his positive side, the more he’ll be inclined to show it. Make it a bonding experience to improve your family life. It is the greatest gift you can give not only your family but the world!
Question 4. Why do relationships begin so wonderfully and end so poorly? Dr. Love: Hmmm. I wrote a whole book about this called The Truth About Love. However, in a short answer: nature has a big investment in is getting together but not necessarily staying together. The way we get together is encouraged by a natural high in the beginning of a relationship. Research shows that the novelty of a new relationship releases dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that makes us euphoric, energetic and often in denial. During the early romantic stage of a relationship we focus on the positives and deny the negatives. This is why you can see how much of a jerk your girlfriends new beau is—but she can’t, at least at first. Once the novelty has worn off, we’re looking at 3-6 months for the big hit and about 18 months to two years for reality to set in, she’ll be able to see for herself. After this infatuation stage we have to rely upon relationship skills to create love. When infatuation ends, true love begins. Anyone will tell you that you have to work at love, this means doing the right thing regardless of how we feel, which takes knowledge and maturity. Bottomline: relationships end poorly because we don’t know how to make them work well; this is why relationship education is priceless!
Question 5. I have chosen to be single for a very long time now (2 years) and now I'm interested in entering into a relationship, but not sure how to go about it. I was dealing with a friend of mine, but he started to irritate me after a while. I initially said I didn't want to have sex, but eventually I was so full of attraction for him that I changed my mind and went through with it. It was alright, but since it wasn't measuring up to past encounters, I was turned off from him easily. Why is sex so important that it could change the way you think you feel about a person? I started pushing him away, and actually felt like I needed/wanted him around less. He is a nice guy and usually does anything I ask, but that's another thing that annoys me at times. He doesn't like to make decisions and is very submissive to whatever I ask. He also doesn't communicate on an intimate level well, when it comes to what he's feeling. We can talk about specific things, but usually because I initiate conversation. What am I missing, or what am I looking for? Sometimes I feel like I push him away because I fear commitment, and other times because I think I may miss out on something better if I settle down now. He's also younger than I am, which was a first. He's 24. I usually date guys older than me, so this was out of the ordinary to start. But he is pretty mature for his age. I am 27 years old and I'm in the military. It's hard to keep relationships long without being married, due to separations. Even marriages are hard to keep too. Help me understand this mess I've created for myself and to know how to get back into connecting with men after 2 years of celibacy and the single life (lots of fun I might add). I usually have the best relationships with people I know as friends or at least interact with on some level. I find it hard to give strangers an opportunity to get close. Dr. Love: I believe you answered your own question in your last paragraph. I suggest two things: (1) You re-read everything you wrote; and (2) make journaling a regular habit. You might begin and end each day by jotting down a few lines of free association. Here are some sentence stems to get you started:
Finally, you asked: Why is sex so important that it could change the way you think you feel about a person? Once you have sex, that becomes the goal, and developing the friendship goes by the wayside. Having sex early in a relationship is like pushing "fast forward" on the remote —you skip over a lot of information and experiences. In this case the devil is in the details. You cannot go back and recapture those intimate moments which form a firm foundation in long-term love. The Supremes had a song a long time ago "You Can’t Hurry Love," it might be worth a listen.One last word: seems to me you know what’s best to do and when you go against your better judgment you regret it. PS —Thank you for serving our country in the military!Thank you Dr. Love. I know I speak for everyone at SWH when I say we all learn so much that we can all apply to our relationships from your answers. Read more about Dr. Love's relationship therapy practice with her daughter Kathleen McFadden.
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